Laggard Lover


“How come? You’re not supposed to be this weak, okay?” I talk silently to my full-of-questions heart that keeps thump-thumping involuntary, “You need to be in control like it used to, before it goes too far.”

As I watch this clear not so blue skies from my house’s balcony, so many questions randomly pop up in my mind. That one swag is totally not my cup of tea. Call her ‘a swag’, but she takes everything way too seriously. Like, come on! Why so serious? This is too much for a feeling. That one girl is creeply climbing and whispering magic spells. Like seriously, I’m a king. Who dares to bring down the king? You must be telling me a lame joke.

She might be all smiley and bright. Her rollercoaster mood, never failed to make me wonder. Is she really that strong? Eventhough I know deep down inside, she’s just a brittle duckling that needs to be comforted. Her heart is a scattered puzzle that needs to be arranged by the right person.  Her heart might be strong, but her eyes tell the other way around. That gloomy glances, I can’t seem to forget it. She might be that fast-paced type of person. A needy wit. I feel like offering a shoulder to her. Just to put her mind at rest.

“Am I loving you the most? Because I can’t be where you are,” I’m gasping a long sigh, “But it’s too late, way too late.”

I keep on thinking about this annoying “if only”. If only I begged you to stay that day. If only I told you that I felt the same way. Now, I’m the one suffering from this unknown thump-thumping  feeling. Should I find you? What if I’m already on your blacklist? That you might never want to care about my existence ever again? I used to be there offering you my hands. And then I ditched you. When you were really gone from my constanly wandering blinking. I don’t know. This part seems to hurt so much. My dignity is all collapse all in a sudden. In fact, The king’s heart has been stolen unknowingly. It had been stolen since the first met. As this song playing on my head. The song that precisely define you.

“You are the mountain, you are the rock.

You are the cord and you’re the spark

 You are the eagle, you are the lark

 You’re the ocean eating the shore

 You are the calm inside the storm

 You’re every emotion, you can endure”

“Where are you? Are you happy now?” Even time seems to turn its back on me. Whether laughing or mocking me. Guess, I won’t complaining being their butt of jokes, “If loving you is my mistake. it’s not,  it really is not.” And I end up imagining the picture of us. In fact there won’t be any ‘us’. But you and me.