The Misconception Of You (I)

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He has been standing there for hours. I keep on watching him from afar. That face looks so uninspired as if there are lots of things loading in his mind. That blank gazes he throws at the things in front of him makes me wonder even more. People may think he is in severe depression. I might do think so if i just passed him by without giving him further attention, but I change my mind. He just needs his own space,  I guess.

“Ah, that guy actually looks so cute. Wonder what makes him mourn like that. Why do I think he just broke up with his girlfriend? Who knows?” Playing ‘what’s on’ thing in my mind just because I’m starting to feel really bored watching someone that I barely know.

“People may also think I have too much time on my hand, sigh! I don’t care though. What’s actually his problem. Ah, I might end up dragging myself there and asking him directly.” As this curiosity begins to eat up my sanity. I always this curious since forever especially when my eyes got stuck on things that attract me. And that one guy with broad shoulder and masculine face feature with cold facial expression makes me curious. As why one can stand still for hours, looking at actually nothing.

***

“What about the love that we are fighting for? I always thought that we are strong.”  I indeed thought that we are strong. That strong even the ear-deafening thunderbolt couldn’t scatter up our deep bond. Years go by and I love the way you are still. This deep rotten feeling that I don’t know whether I will get tired of it someday.  Yes, I was just saying the ‘I thought’.

But I’m now doubting the time. Even begin to disbelief my own belief. “What’s the point of loving someone with all your heart if at the end you get nothing in return? Loving someone seriously is a crime, a deathly crime.” I’m gasping a long rebelling sigh, “The fact is I’m neither a fortuneteller nor a forecaster . I cant bear her mind games nor can I read between the lines.”

Like seriously, girls are complicated. They can totally change you into someone new, like a brand new person with new point of view in seeing things from their perspectives. It can make you puke rainbows when they are high, but can be punchable as ever as their ever-changing mood in action.  Even my playlist seems to understand me better. Girls are mostly jenny-like creatures. In relationship with them is like auto blood-sucking yourself.

“Now what about the picture in my head?”

***

I just realized that guy has his earphone plugs in his two ears,  “Wonder what’s his playlist. Must be cray-cray songs, hahaha” It cringes me out, imagining that mars living thing being all mellow. Day almost hit the sunset and I’m still effortlessly observing unknown being in this public garden. Landing my self on the vacant rock bucket seat so that i can broaden my horizon. And the guy is right 5 meter in front of me, stand still in his looking-relax gesture but manage his everlasting stony-faced expression.

My initial aim here is just to loosen up my intense mind that slowly sinking my brain volume. In fact, I’m not trying to expell all my burdens but just to find a good view in this garden to better-content my brain. And the guy-that-my eyes-got-stuck-on is becoming my object of self-consoling.

“Why bother to mind what’s on his mind? I should have mind my own frustrating and unsolving problem. Problem? I don’t think i can call this a problem, more like a trauma I guess. And what am I starting to talk about? Oh man, I hate man and why bother myself with man-things?”

No, I’m not joking. Not that I’m excessively hating on all the guys in the world though. It’s just because I always bumped into the wrong guys in my life. That what makes their profiles look terribly bad in my eyes, “5 years old me, I remember how I really looked up at you, scanning you from head to toe before you went to work. Just to make sure you were still the figure that I love so much. How you always spoiled me with my favorite stuffs. Came up with a sudden birthday present. That day, my love for you was overwhelmingly big. I wish i could love you that much right now. “ I don’t know why my eyes can’t get enough of the thing that attracts me since the very first sight, “Somehow his eyes speak the goodness in him that has been overdone. As if trying to tell me that I’m wrong in some points ”

***

“ Is it me or… but I fancy someone staring at me over there. Am I looking that desperate?” I’m looking at my surrounding and find myself the only standing-being in this place. All my eyes can catch is people chatting with their partners. My eyes keep on wandering and I see a hardly ever blinking creature looks as if she’s investigating me, looking intensely at me as if i’m a criminal.

But that red overcoat suits her mighty fine. Her untied hair radiantly glowing and shining under the sunlight. I can tell she’s a chick.  But the way she stares at me kind of creeping me out. I’m trying to see whether I can find an empty seat just to continue my sit-in-silence state of mind. Minutes go by and my eyes failed to capture the remained seat. It means my body have to struggle to stand up for the upcoming hours.

Aside from the fact that I have to double check my previous statement.  Somehow the memories still deeply plastered in my heart. As if it was just yesterday the last time we were holding hand and joking around in this place. Before the fact that she has been cheating on me greatly damages my feeling. But She is like a guilty pleasure to me. The more I try to contradict my feeling the more it takes a toll of me. Even when my mind tells me to give up, my inner feeling tells the other way around. I’ve been a fool all this time, this is a reality gentlemen, like me, hate the most. Suffering from loving someone a bit too much.

***